Designer Fashion Hanger

Calvin Klein Designer Pants/Skirt Fashion Hanger. Excellent condition. Measures 14 1/4" l. I have many more women's accessories available in my ebay store :)



$5. Again, the hopeful ":)"

Bonanzle is new to me but it looks like it'll be a...a bonanzle of LOLZ.

Nebraskan Entrees

Entrees as interpreted by the Lincoln, Nebraska public school system.

"Chicken Fingers"



"Fiestada"



"Chicken Ranch Salad"



The salads are probably the worst, teaching as they do that salads are things to be feared and that one's cheap meat and cheese is better deposited on old tortilla chips.

Not pictured here: Nebraska bun. ?

"One-piece formal wear"

"I weared it to X-mas party." The idea of "one-piece formal wear" that was not a gown intrigued. Predictably, it is "Polyester & spandex for elasticity." "Top is attached to pants, a zip on the back, strips, sleevless." And the seller has done some modelling, natch.





Very nice, you say, at least for one-piece poly XL maternity wear. But then comes the WTF punch:



!!??

Aprons to make your child cry

"Mother Daughter Cafe Apron Set"

With Kotex applique.



With WTF.



Flying turtlebee?



I imagine she finds the cling-with-thumb cute, but I find it bizarre to use that here. That thumb-in, clinging-to-Mummy state is a very vulnerable one, and normally a relatively private one. Using it to sell aprons is maybe not the best idea. Time to put the digital camera down and make with the hugs, here.

I am A FREAK

This neglected child SHOUTED HIS WHOLE AD on OkCupid, and is offering an extraordinarily bad deal.

THE WOMAN FORTUNATE ENOUGH TO RECEIVE THIS UNIQUE OPPORTUNITY WILL BE FULLY AWARE THAT THE VALUE OF A QUALITY, FULL BODY SUIT IS $50,000 TO $500,000. IN EXCHANGE FOR ALLOWING ONLY ARTISTS FROM MY SHOP TO WORK ON HER BODY SUIT AND FOR AGREEING TO A LONG TERM ASSOCIATION WITH MY PROJECT IN WHICH SHE WORKS AS A SIDESHOW PERFORMER AND SUPER-MODEL, SHE WILL RECEIVE THE WORK AT A DISCOUNTED RATE AND WILL RECEIVE THE OPPORTUNITY TO EARN THE TATTOOS BY HELPING ME AS MY PART-TIME SALES REPRESENTATIVE (NO MONEY INPUT REQUIRED ON YOUR PART EVER)

Tr.: work for me under long-term contract -- unpaid. Among other requirements, this BEAUTY (BY MODELING STANDARDS) must be INTELLIGENT AND INTERESTED IN ALL MY INTERESTS (THESE ARE MY BUSINESS'S INTERESTS AS WELL EG. TATTOOS, SIDESHOWS, PUNK ROCK). Also must like teh cock.

I AM EXTREMELY SERIOUS AND HAVE SIGNIFICANT RESOURCES AT MY DISPOSAL. Apply now.

No good, awful, terrible, very bad jeans.

Christian Dior jeans. Purportedly. More "designer" chav denim from China:



The jeans the not very popular kid got for Christmas in 1984. Which made everybody feel bad for him, because everybody knew they were on sale for $9.99 at Warren's and only the worst sort of Mom or Dad would try to pass off the on-sale unsalable jeans as a Christmas present. And you looked at them and thought if you took that stupid-ass chain off and stopped tucking in your awful acrylic sweaters you could almost pretend they were just some old gray jeans, but no...you like the chain. Loser.

But these relatively honest frauds pale in comparison to wayofthelittleflower's stuff.



Crystal barbed-wire mom jeans,
$130



"Painted fire crystal jeans," $150



"Hollister Emilio Pucci scarf patched Swarovski jeans," $150. "Custom destroyed in all the right places and patched with a vintage Emilio Pucci silk scarf." The combination of Swarovski plus Pucci plus Hollister =

Idiot tax = $5

From the Giant Tiger flyer.

I'm not quite sure what the deal is with this one. Usually these things are sadly transparent -- if it was in a Burberry plaid you could be reasonably confident that its hapless buyer would be a chav seeking a little touch of tough; if it had a Chanel logo, the class insecurity issues* would be clear. But what message is the Coors Light chair offering, and why is it worth a premium? I'm at a loss.


* For related LOLZ check out this grasping People can always tell when you're wearing a fake and it makes you look ignorant! rant.

Hard times.

I have a box of stuff for use in the kitchen...
$15
Pick up only





Via Craigslist. You know it's going to be bad when the seller couldn't even bother to straighten it up a bit before photographing it. However, pots are useful, and this is not the worst of today's cull.

Queen's University Belfast Spiral Notebooks
2 available: $10 each or both for $15
Brand new in perfect shape



CL again. Quoi? Why on earth would this person even fantasize that somebody might buy a notebook from him, let alone for $10 a go? The same (apparently, given the background) drug addict is also offering this:



Shoe bag / toiletry kit
From Lufthansa Business Class
Toiletry kit includes mask, socks, toothpaste, toothbrush.
Comes in a bag that is perfect for shoes.
Four available: $5 for one bag, $15 for all four.

I love his quantity discounts...

From Nepean comes

MUST SELL! ODDS AND ENDS - $15

Moving, Must Get Rid of! Must Pick up by Friday the 12th!

- desk lamp
- silver ware holder
- binder
- chocolate molds
- cutting board
- apple cutter
-ice cube tray
- 2 shaker tins
- freezer mug
- door hanger
- st. patricks mugs
- sturdy milk crate
- black metal waste basket
- wall filler
- crayons
- sunglasses
- duct tape
- belt
- bubble straws
- playing cards
- green and blue plastic bins
- origial foam board art







Why does she* think she's not going to need duct tape again? Mystifying!

There is an important lesson here, which is: whether or not you can eventually sell it on Craigslist is a good way to gauge whether something is a nice object or a useless bit of tat. If it is not something you can use up and, like plastic St Patty's mugs, it is something nobody in their right mind would ever buy off you, it's probably garbage best left in the store. It is not thin plastic bags from shops which are ruining the planet, but the overconsumption of this sort of schlock. That and the overproduction of necessary but shoddy goods -- the first ad is a good argument in favour of buying only the nicest sort of saucepan in lieu of several middling-to-lousy sets throughout your life.


* I cannot imagine a he having a pastel tablecloth with a wee vase of something on it.

$6 t-shirts

W...t...f?



$6. Americans are disturbingly rude about their politicians. LOLZ U IS STALIN!!!! All I can think of right now are Sarah Palin heads stuck on nude bodies on teh internets. Really rude.

I had to click on this one to find out what the mouth-breathed explanation would be. From the reviews:

Only in America would anyone even consider this plausible. Dudes, you have no idea what socialism is. You've been living to the right of every other country on the planet for the past 30 years.

Great. I'm sure this will sell well in Alabama where half the people have to have shit read to them. WTF? Oh, and for the dumbfucks fearing this so-called 'socialism', how's that good ol' American capitalism treating you? Maybe when you lose your job (like 1 out of 10 of us already have) and have to rely on government programs you'll have another name for it. And when that runs out, you can eat this fucking shirt.

Summed up:

It is a shirt. This is a website that sells shirts.

Moving along then...



$6. At 'Value Village' I often run into shirts for sale that are emblazoned with stuff like ROGER REDDY'S HWY 61 FORD-CHEVY BREAST CANCER FUNDRAISING DAY 2004 -- SNACK BAR STAFF, and I think, "I know it's brand new and only $2, but still, who's going to buy this?" It finally hit me the other day: hipsters with attics. You could sit on that junk for twenty years and sell it for $25 once the date got old enough and the font sufficiently kitschy. (They have this idea already, but the shirt is too fake-y.)

Anyway. A shirt with POOP on it is never going to work for anybody but the most useless sort of sub-clinical fetal alcohol syndrome victim. Yuk yuk yuk my shirt says shit.





Yuk yuk yuk.

Then there are ones like these:





which leave me puzzled over whose leg is being pulled...

Seriously unprofessional cupcakes

Seriously unprofessional cupcakes, $85

Cupcake Party !!! 
Let us host your next birthday party! 
Included in the price are … 
• 24 display cupcakes on carousel wheel 
• Handcrafted, plastic apron for each child with logo 
• 1 decorated, candled cake in shape of cupcake 
• 12 plain cupcakes, sprinkles and topping for “Cupcake Creation Area” 
        where partygoers create their own cupcakes! 
• Extra: If desired, theme invitation and grab-bags can be added! 
Cost for this fun time is only $85! 

If your Mom did this it would be more or less okay, but past that, the shoddiness of the work is going to be apparent. And, for eighty-five bucks?!? What the hell is this lady thinking? It's almost bad enough for Cake Wrecks.

If that wasn't enough disappointment for one party, you can buy $3 worth of dollar-store decorations and gently used paper plates for $25.



What's behind these prices? Gambling debt?

I could not resist clicking on Is your child attending a birthday party in June? - $10, which turned out to be



with even more sales patter:

Don't be caught shopping at the last minute. 
Ceramic Pet Dish Kit 
Paint a sturdy ceramic pet dish in any style for your favourite four-legged friend. Ages 7 and up. 

Never opened. Includes dish, paint and brush. 

Originally $16.99+taxes. 

I like the enthusiasm with the naked greed. This sort of tat goes on sale all the time, $3.99 at Winners, but: Don't be caught shopping at the last minute. Drive cross-town to give this yutz $10!

"Mom, you spent all the money on cupcakes that look like they fell on the floor, my BFF gave me a pet bowl and I don't even have a pet, and there are stains on the fire truck napkins. How can you make my party any worse?"

Having a childs birthday party? As seen in the pic I have
several items used to make up loot bags for children 3-13! 
All items are brand new. everything from giant pencils to 
light up pens to sticky hands to frisbees! and much more. 
I have a few hundred available. I will supply 6 items per 
loot bag. Each loot bag sells for $4. (items are worth .75 to 3.$) 
Let me know how many loot bags you'll need :)  

Nothing in the picture is "worth" even 75c, but I like the optimistic ":)."

And one in the stink

I -- not a prude by any stretch of the imagination -- was shocked to see these in a Victoria's Secret catalogue that arrived yesterday:



4 SRS? I mean, I thought of them as a sort of mainstream underwear retailer, not a hardcore sex shop.

They seem so outright dirty that I assume the male equivalent must be these:





...which we can be grateful are not combined with this:



Can you imagine how revolting if there was a penis emblazoned on the brown and yellow shreddies? Okay. So probably neither idea was a good one, then.

Guest snark -- M. Piper

Risible 'fashion' courtesy Etsy; comments courtesy Mark Piper.

Reversible Two Sided Collar



"On my planet, we wear these to store the health-giving Nerdoid radiation which protects us from ever having to make conversation..."

WildFlower Medallion Obi Belt



"I am strong in The Force - but I'm also fabulous."

Ripstop Nylon Party Dress in Wine



"Oooh, Jennifer, mom is going to be so pissed at the hole you cut in the pool cover."


ed. note: What a surprise to find all three of these items are currently on sale! Don't delay, etc.

Steamed double penis

I am a great fan of allrecipes.com not because I want a new way to use up the leftover Velveeta, but because I like sniggering at the white trashiness of the content. The site has an entire section given over to recipes involving canned cream of mushroom soup. The latter includes an appalling recipe for baby food made with canned soup ("Sodium: 587mg").

Naturally, people enjoy posting pictures.



...supposedly chicken salad. "Those are the leftovers from lunch." Great, pal. Pitch it or cover it and put it in the fridge -- don't goddam take a picture of it.

Here is steamed double penis after a big sneeze



Actually Hot Dog a la Potato. You know without clicking through that the cheese specified is "American." I don't wish to snark on people eating comfort-food crap with cheese nuked on, which can be enjoyable, but...posting "recipes" for it? With a photograph? Tragically, they've made even mac and cheese look inedible:



Rather inexplicably the site includes "recipes" for exotic creations such as Sweetened Whipped Cream, the addition of sugar having heretofore been a trade secret. Much like epicurious.com's Salted Water for Boiling "recipe." The rub lies in the reviews; epicurious.com got nothing but snark for its boiled water, but allrecipes.com has tapped an audience of people for whom whipping cream was a genuine novelty. This recipe works like a charm! So quick and simple, no need to buy the stuff in the can!

FS: unreliable birth control

The real problem with this shit is that it is contagious. Somebody will see this, and think "Gosh, I didn't know you could sell that sort of thing on-line. I still have most of that box of tampons from Costco that I never finished because they were so leaky. It was $20, too, so maybe I can get something for them," and a photograph of a dented box of tampons will go up...



prophylactic and test paper for pregnancy

$10 prophylactic
$3 test paper for pregnancy

("Alesse" is a brand of birth control pills.)

The shape of LOLZ

theshapeofamother.com is a great, if unintentional, source of teh LOLZ. It is seemingly nothing but girls who had a baby and who now look fine posting pictures of themselves thin saying "See how hideous I am" in order to get a pile-up of people posting "You look awesome and I wish I could be you!" or, girls who had a baby and who are now fat, posting pictures of themselves in order to hear a lot of "Me too."

Many are teen-agers. Here's Britney, who says "I hate being body continuous[sic]. I’ve never been like this before!"





Yeah, you can totally tell she was never "body continuous" before what with the heels and bikini snaps. Here's her "after" shot:



Ha ha, u is tramp.

Mummy of two darlings moans when I look at my belly I feel so disappointed. I wouldn’t change having my children for any model’s body, and having to experience both my babies fight in hospital has made me so thankful for what I have. I am slowly learning to accept my new body and realise that the old one is gone for good. I am never going to look like my baby-less friends but I have something far more precious than their flab free, stretch mark free tummies! Yeah, I'm not really buying the lack of envy for a "model's body."

But how horrible is Two Darlings' "baby belly I am still trying to accept"?



Eww, hideous!

Is it wrong to LOLZ at this? I don't think so, especially not when they post dross like There were stretch marks there, but they were as sand beneath my fingertips, gentle ripples to echo the motion of the tide against the shore; the swelling tide of pregnancy and the receding tide of birth... And when they're not spouting nonsense, they're just plain shallow. Few of these girls are realistic about anything, and the site's a clusterfuck of encouragement for their delusions.